Just a few mistakes

 It was a few Sundays ago.  It was beautiful weather outside and I had been having a really good day. I felt like something was slightly off center, but I tried to ignore it.

Mistake number uno: Never try to,” just ignore it.” Progressively through out the day I noticed I became withdrawn. At first I was able to be the first to say hello or offer a smile to people passing by. Then I noticed that I was saying those things in my head, “hello how are you?” or even a “thanks” to the person helping me with something. The words were not coming out of my mouth. I started to wonder why I wasn’t responding to people and just sort of blank faced all those who looked at me. When it really mattered I could smile and make conversation. But even then my husband pointed out that I didn’t seem like myself.

Mistake number dose: I kept putting off eating anything. I felt I was to busy and was rushing to get things together so we would be on time to church. I didn’t bring a snack like I normally try to do. Finally when I came home I still put off eating, because baby needed to be put down for his nap, and daddy is still not a put baby to sleep option for baby. Daddy is his play buddy so I had to do it if I wanted to make sure he actually took a nap.

Mistake number tres: I did not listen to my husband when he offered help. I seem to get even more stubborn when my depression comes back. I have this negative dialogue gong on in my head, but I can’t make it clear that I want help. So I just grump about thinking, “why can’t you just see that I need help with such and such. Get up and recognize I need you. Why should I have to tell you every damn time?”

After all that it took me finally sitting down on the couch exhausted and feeling completely emotionally numb to realize that I was having an episode.

Curse my stubborn self

My beautiful blue eyed boys.

  My first real love has the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. They are eyes so beautiful all the poems about sapphire eyes or ocean blue eyes flash in my mind when I look at him. His perfectly arched dark eyebrows would make any girl jealous, and contrast perfectly. It still takes my breath away....and so forth and so on.
 
   I won't make you gag or giggle with too much detail, but this man still makes me feel like I am the most precious thing in the world to him. I was always determined to not let my happiness be contingent on another person. But that is an interesting thing about love. It's not that your happiness is dependent on your partners happiness it's just that when your partner isn't happy your bummed too. When the person, who is your best friend and companion, has something that you can't fix that they are going through you feel a little sad too. So you learn to support them through it. You learn what will bring little smiles to their lips, and what will help them know you are there if they need you. When I understood that about love it made life a lot easier. When I explained this new insight about love to my husband he understood that that was all I needed when I was feeling my depression. I just needed some who was there when I new something was wrong, but couldn't find a way out of my sadness. Some one who I knew loved me and would help to keep moving on while I tried to figure things out instead of falling into a stalemate in my life.

  A lot of people told us when we were first getting married that you fall more in love with your partner the harder you work at your marriage, and the longer you are married. I saw the truth in that statement. I would nod my head hoping it was going to be true for my husband and I. I have been married almost two years, and I know for sure that I love my husband more now then I did when we were first married. I am also more comfortable with him. Now when I feel a panic attack rising or my depression starting to seep into my mind I am not ashamed. Because this man has seen me through some really difficult times, and still calls me his pretty lady. Still looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and holds me close. Looks at my red hair, brushing it aside with a look that makes me blush, and grins a wicked grin when he knows I am getting sassy. He is the love of my life, and I look forward to falling even more in love with him.

   My second true love was a surprise to me. Mostly because of how much he has changed my life, and I do not mind at all. For instance do you hear that? The sound of maniacal laughter in a baby pitched voice? That is the sound of the next few years worth of sleep being cut shorter and shorter. The slap, slap, swish, swish of his hands and knees moving around the house. It warns me that I will not be able to go to the bathroom alone for a long, long time.  And when those baby blues look at me over his shoulder, as he pauses when he is trying to crawl out of my eye sight, all I can do is smile.

  I was going to study anthropology at the University of Jerusalem. I was going to serve in the Peace corp. I was going to crazy, hot, vacation romances in foreign lands. Honestly! That was the plan and I had it all worked out. I even knew a professor at the university in Jerusalem, and  had a vacatoin set up with some very dear friends. I was going to meet up with them in Istanbul with in a year after I returned from being on a service mission for my church. Unlike most twenty something year olds I actually had a plan, and just needed to get the money together.
 
   Now, I look into those blue eyes that remind me of the bahama blue ocean pictures you see in all the tourists ads, knowing I will most likely never get to go, and I don't mind. I was hoping I wouldn't regret my decision to be married at twenty-three, and missing out on all those plans I had to cancel. Some times in my dreams I am wandering through the morning market in Istanbul, and then I realize that baby G is crying in the next room needing my comfort and milk. In those sleep deprived moments I still don't mind. I am incredibly happy, tired, but happy. I love being a mom. I love seeing him gain more confidence and independence. I love seeing his strawberry-blonde hair getting longer and longer. His blue eyes are my Greek coastline. His golden hair is my sunflower fields in Tuscany. His toothy smile is my White Cliffs of Dover. I may still have some of my travel adventures one day, but I am on the greatest adventure I never knew existed. The adventure of motherhood.

Triggers and Episodes

  There are many things I want to post about. Lately the one that has been coming to my head is the answer to the question, "What is a panic attack like?" My first inward response is that they are exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally exhausting when it’s all done. When the "episode" is over you feel like you just ran a marathon and you just want to sleep. We need to back up a little though to really get the whole picture.

  For most people what sets off panic attacks can be something subliminal that the brain latches onto.  Often it is something that triggers a memory of an instance where you felt hurt. For other people it is triggered by a social situation. Either public speaking or being in large groups. Panic attacks can be a blessing, because if you understand you are having one it will help you know if you have a greater problem like depression. It can also be just plane annoying. Especially if you have them while your trying to give a presentation or have them more then once in a day.

  Looking at it from the physical side a panic attack is when your brain goes into hyper drive and starts the adrenaline release for the "fight or flight" reaction. Even for people who are on medication and in counseling episodes will still occur. Panic attacks can last hours or minutes. The most severe last at least a day. There is a general scale that most psychologists use to help you understand how bad your panic attacks are. Which is really just a questionnaire they want you to answer. I personally have a like/ hate relationship with this questionnaire. I don't like the questionnaire; because during a panic attack the doctors are asking you the questions, and you can't think clearly or focus. But why I do like the questionnaire is because when you aren't having a panic attack, taking the questionnaire is eye opening, it helps you realize how bad they may really be for you. The trick is to not excuse some of your symptoms you have, and to be completely honest when answering the questions. 

  I want to share the story of my first panic attack, it was severe enough that I can still remember. Hopefully this will help some of you see if you have them as well. I was 18, I hadn't been sleeping very well for the last few days, so I decided to stay up late again reading a book. At about midnight just as I was in the middle of reading, I started to feel unsettled. Sort of like a nagging in the back of my mind that something was wrong. I started to think about that feeling, and tried to figure out why I was having it. I remembered the lack of sleep, the stress about school, and some major family issues that had been going on the last few days. As I thought on some of the problems the feelings became more intense. My mind kept going over the problems. It was like a tornado of thought that just wouldn't settle. Just like the train sound that comes with a tornado I felt like my thoughts were shouting at me. As I sat there on the couch I felt my whole body tense so much that I was visibly shaking. I thought for sure something bad was about to happen at any second. I had this insurmountable fear that some one was going to come to our front door and break it down. So I walked to the front door and kept looking through the peep hole every once in a while. Nobody was there. I sat there on the couch till six in the morning. With these thoughts in my head. Over and over I thought that if I just stayed awake, and watched the front door nothing bad was going to happen to my family. At six in the morning my mother woke up, when I saw her my thoughts just calmed down, and I was exhausted. My body stopped being tense, my breathing became more even, but I was shaking now from exhaustion. I finally moved off the couch and crawled into bed. But I was convinced that I had some how kept my family safe from some danger that may or may not come. 

  It took a few years until I found out that those moments were panic attacks. What changed everything was when I started having panic attacks at least once a day. It was a few years after that first intense episode. I was in a high stress situation. One in which I really wanted to be able to succeed, but felt like everyday I was failing. During this time in my life I had a dear friend who was constantly with me. After a few weeks of seeing me go through this they openly approached me about what was happening. Helping me see that it wasn't normal, and I didn't have to be so miserable. I sought out help with my heart aching hoping to finally get control of my life. It was one of the scariest things I had ever done. The idea that I could set goals and achieve them? Crazy. Being told that it's more normal to be happy or content most of the time instead of deep sadness was like offering a kid their golden ticket to the chocolate factory. I was really, really, scared. I was scared that if I took medication I would become numb to any feelings. I was scared the medication wouldn't work or the counseling wouldn't help. Worst of all, I was scared that having these terrible panic attacks, was my normal. 

 Thankfully, I was able to get help and support from people whom I hold very dear to me now. I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist that I finally felt comfortable with. I felt like they really wanted to help me and address my concerns. I felt listened to for once instead of feeling like an experiment. I had tried counseling a few times in my teens and I always felt like they never were listening to me. Some counselors would listen to me, and empathize yet I didn't think they understood how bad things were for me. I would tell them how I was applying things that they wanted me to, and that it was helping so far then they would say, "If you feel okay with it I think we could see less of each other." I don't blame the therapists I saw. I believe each therapist has there own form of working through issues with their patients, but I am a little sad that it took me until my twenties to find therapists who I felt I connected to. 

  For those of you who are suffering through panic attacks or disorders I really feel that your support group is what makes a huge difference. I felt listened to and not pitied. I was also able to have a plan on how to deal with my episodes. Which is what I wanted to list for you who are reading.

  So to begin, It starts as a tightness in the chest, a racing of thoughts, a quickening of the breath, some times even a dull head ache. Then those symptoms increase and you feel like you are almost drowning in them. These are the tricks I have learned to help.

·                Try to get to a place where you feel safe. Whether it be your bedroom, pulling the car over, but get to a quite spot. 

·                Do not try and push the feelings away.

·                Sit, lie down, or stand still for a little as you begin to feel the panic attack come on.

·                Focus on your breathing train your mind on the ins and outs of your breath.

·                Keep a picture of some one or something that is calming to you near by so you can focus on that image while you let the feelings wash over you.

·                Slowly concentrate on relaxing each and every muscle starting from your toes up.

·                When it finally passes think back to what has happened through out the last few days. What has reminded you of a past traumatic event? What emotions have you been feeling lately? 

·                Finally write down what you feel has been triggering your panic attacks so you can be aware of your triggers and find healthy ways to deal with them.

 I hope this post also helps both those who suffer from panic attacks and for those who support people someone suffers from them. You do not have to be afraid of panic attacks, and the more you can learn to address them, the less you will suffer from them. Panic attacks are not something you have to suffer with all the time. There are other ways to deal with the challenges we face in life and you can learn to be in control. 

6 Months old

  My little guy is a ball of chatty, rolly, squiggly energy. It makes me smile and feel exhausted all at the same time. He gets into things I wish he didn't, gets drool over everything, and tries to chew on anything with in reach. It is incredible to see his personality blossom. He has a little attitude already and a smile that makes my heart melt. He chats at four in the morning laughing his victory at being awake. When I walk into his room exhausted to try and tuck him back into his blankets he squiggles around with a hug smile on his face. It's difficult to be stern with some one who looks at you with such glee, even at four in the morning.

  As I watch this little one play a thought comes to my mind some days. I don't want my babies to have to learn how to live with Major Depression Disorder. I worry that they will grow up and there will come a time when they too will be hit with the hurtles that come with MDD. I was diagnosed with depression young, around eight years old, but my family decided that I shouldn't go on any medication hoping I would grow out of it. Life had other plans.
 
  I was dealt some intense traumas in my life. An interesting childhood loosing friends in high school from suicide, a drunk driver, car accidents, and so much more. Finally, in my freshman year of high school, the beginning of my deepest down ward spiral. I had been waiting outside of my high school for my mom to come and drop off some supplies for an after school activity. As I waited I saw a friends family member get hit by a car. I can still replay every moment over in my head. I watched as the EMT's tried to resuscitate him. They worked on him for a long time. I remember at one point it looked like he was finally breathing on his own. Later that evening I found out that he had died at the scene. Not long after things started to spiral down. My grades went down I stopped doing after school activities I turned down some amazing scholastic opportunities, and finally I just started staying home cutting myself off from people. It wasn't until my early twenties that I was finally diagnosed. These circumstances are unusual. Most people will not have the same experiences I did culminating in such traumatic events. The trick is my depression is a genetic issue passed down through the generations of my family. So combining that with all these traumas, and not knowing how they could affect me, my brain couldn't cope with it.

  Recognizing what lead to my depression has been a long emotional journey. When those moments come of worrying that one day he to may have depression I look at my little baby, and I can be reassured. Yes, my children may or may not have the genetics to have depression, but I know now how to help them. Most likely they will not have it turn into MDD. Most likely they will not have so many traumas in their lives, but if they do I know the signs. They won't have to feel alone and misunderstood. The emotionless days that can stretch on for weeks to months to years. Where you say mean things that hurt people that you don't realize it until you replay the events over and over again in your head. Or wanting to do so many things, achieve so much, and not being able to overcome any of the challenges you face to make those dreams happen. These sad times will not be something they go through alone if they do have depression.

  If you have over come or found help for your depression you are now a helpful support in some ones life. It's a process, and they have to come to the realization them selves. But you can help them when the time comes. I look at my baby and have peace brought to my heart. They will have much more help and guidance. Hopefully they will not suffer from the stigma and preconceptions that I faced which made me feel ashamed at being diagnosed with MDD. Now after getting help I know how amazing life is and what incredible things I can accomplish. Trying to get over the shame I felt at being diagnosed with MDD was a really big hurtle for me. Once I did I was able to take the steps I needed to to really start applying what my therapists where trying to teach me. For any one you know you can have the same peace knowing you can be the help for those you love, but remember you have to take care of yourself.

This is an old post from when I had baby...

Hello,

  Well it is easy to see that I am not very good at keeping up with this blog, sorry about that. To up date I have had my baby! He is 6 weeks old now and cooing up a storm. He was 6lbs 9 ounces. I was in active labor for 18 hours. I was completely exhausted by the time we arrived at the hospital I got an epidural, because I knew I wasn't going to make it through the pain waiting for my little love. He definitely already has his own personality.

  I was very happy with my birth experience. The midwife was wonderful and supportive. She also helped my husband know how to help me instead of pushing him off to the side. It was everything I had hoped for. The midwife was honest about what was happening step by step. She knew pressure points and breathing techniques that helped with labor pains. The nurses even cheered me on when I was getting exhausted trying to push.

  Now it's on to the next step of being a new mom!

My New Little Love and Post Partum Depression

  It has been three months. Three months since my whole world, didn't just change it went crazy, and it has been beautiful. I had my beautiful little boy on Thanksgiving morning. After 24 hours in labor becoming exhausted needing an epidural my little love came into this world. He was aware and awake from the first moment. Born with inquisitive blue eyes and a hand placed next to his chin like he was already contemplating the world. I will always remember that moment when they moved him to the little bassinet, I watched my husband with tears in his eyes, comfort our son and comfort me. There are very few moments in life when you feel like everything goes quite and still. This is one of those precious times.

 With everything to get used in the first week, lack of sleep, worrying about this new little life, trying to heal from delivery. I started to notice something odd. My husband was able to get that first week off so we could all get used to each other. I would have hours in the day where I would look at my son and just feel..nothing. I knew I was responsible for him needed to take care of him, but other then that I didn't feel that love I new came with motherhood. I was panicky all the time I worried that if I slept at all something would happen to the baby. That my little love would just disappear. Even while I had those thoughts I knew it was irrational, but these worries kept coming to my head. I worried that my husband would go back to work and not come home. That he felt resentment because we were having a baby so early in our marriage. Which was unfounded my husband is wonderful. He cleaned the house and did the dishes everyday. He helped me to remember to take my medicine, and would hold me till I fell asleep to help me finally rest. He would watch baby and share with the diaper changing. To this day my amazing husband helps me do clothes, dishes, or a quick clean up around the house.

  Finally, my two week checkup after delivery came and my husband told me I needed to share these feelings with my Midwife. He was open about how concerned he was especially since the last few days before the appointment I would just be uncontrollably sad and cry for a few hours. I was miserable and he knew I needed help. We went to the appointment and on the way to the doctors office it started happening again, the uncontrollable sadness and crying. I just cried the whole drive and while sitting in the doctors office's waiting room. The nurses noticed and so they kindly told me to go ahead back to wait in a room. They were so kind and understanding. My husband held me close and our little son slept in his carseat. They immediately had one of the midwives come in and she talked to me about what was going on. They had me take a questionnaire to help see how I was doing. It was such a relief to not feel judged and to be able to talk to some one. It was most comforting to know that there was help. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. They gave me a list of support groups and phone numbers I could call for therapists locally that I could go to. The midwife helped me find medications that would help with the depression and anxiety that I would still be able to breast feed on. The midwife also was supportive that if breastfeeding my little one was too overwhelming I should just stop. Even though I knew it was the best thing for my son it was more important for me to be able to take care of his needs with out constantly feeling the huge weight of needing to feed him every few hours. She held my hand and told me that no matter what we were going to figure this out so I could enjoy being a mom and do what was best for my baby.

 I knew that I may have post-partum depression, because of my previous diagnosis of major depression disorder. I had talked to my midwife a month before delivery about what I could do if I did end up having it. I wanted to be able to breast feed and not have any medications affect my little son. They told me I may need to change my medication to a higher dose after delivery, because of the loss of hormones after delivery. That it was not uncommon for women to be affected by depression after delivery. They were open to helping me while trying to make sure I could raise my baby the way I felt most comfortable with. One of the best pieces of advice I got was that I need to take care of myself first and then baby. Make sure I was meeting babies needs so that he is healthy, but I have to take care of myself.

  After two months post-partum, of adjusting my medications talking to other moms who also had post-partum depression I felt at peace. I was finally able to be at home and clean the house. I finally didn't have thoughts in the back of my mind that constantly said I wasn't a good enough mom. I was able to be me and enjoy my family. I still have a few days during the month where I feel anxiety. I get panic attacks and I can't focus, I get shaky, my thoughts are all clouded, I feel constantly on guard. Because of all the support from my husband and midwife I am able to think in those moments, "It's okay this is just your mind take a breath and just be still for a little."

  If you have or are going to have a baby my advice is to have an open dialogue with your doctor about post-partum depression. What you can do to help deal with the hormonal change after delivery, and make sure you know what signs to look for. What local support there is, and what you would be willing to do if you need to take medication. Be open with your spouse, know that if he makes a comment about how you seem sad or despondent, that is one of the ways they show you they care. Get help as soon as possible even if you aren't sure you maybe having symptoms of post-partum depression. This part of your life is a wonderful time. It's a time of growth and change. It's a time of smiles, drool, and poopy diapers. It is beautiful you can and should be able to enjoy it. There is help and you can be the mom you always hoped you would be.

 Kiss that baby, hug your husband, don't worry about the dishes in the sink, or the laundry. It's time to take care of yourself.