These are the events in my life right now just so you feel caught up: I am doing finals in my college courses for this semester, planning a wedding(with help from so many wonderful people), and trying to get to work. With all the normal family stuff sprinkled on top. My wedding is in two weeks.
Today was one of those tough ones. I have been sick with the flu and the medication they put me on to help with the vomiting makes me sleepy. With mental exertion,more then I would like to admit, I get out of bed. The medication I already take for anxiety and depression makes it so I can sleep easier and have a desire to wake up. That is shot right now. I slept through three of my alarms. By a miracle and a prayer I still made it to at least one full class today.
Sheer stubborn nature that my mother loves to remind me I was born with, and my amazing fiancee, is the mixture that is keeping me going. I have never met a man like him before. When I have days like today, were it seems like I am not exactly floating but sort of half bobbing in a grayish goop, he makes it bearable. He just cuddles with me and sits next to me while I try and do my homework. Just seeing him makes me smile. Still it's hard some days. How do you explain to some one that some times waking up in the morning, getting to class, then to work, is so much mental exertion that you feel like it is in slow motion.
I tried going out to buy some wedding decorations. Went to four craft shops in town. I couldn't find anything cheap enough for my liking. Why are glass containers so expensive? The frustrating part was that half way through I could feel the graying goop getting a little stronger. I was so tired of fighting it I just rested my head against the steering wheel at the stop lights. I didn't buy anything.
It helps me to look around myself when I have days like this especially, and note all of the good that has been accomplished. I did get to one of my classes. I found prices online for what I want cheaper then at the stores. I was complimented today on how cute I look in my pants. I have so many people in my life who care about me. I know that I am not alone. Most days are not like this. Through therapy,medication, and exercise I have been able to really get control of the chemical imbalances in my brain. I have been able to balance my life.
Today though..today I am here to say that having depression and anxiety sucks. So if any of you out there reading this have the same diagnosis or maybe wondering if you do. You are not alone. You can make it one more day. Kiss those beautiful kids, hug that husband long and tight, read your favorite poem, listen to your favorite music. What ever it maybe that won't take much energy, but helps you look out side of yourself. Do those things and when your gray goop seems to be stronger then your will. Close your eyes take a breath let the feeling come on and know that you did something amazing today. You woke up, no more then that, you lived your life today. You are tough.
