It has been three months. Three months since my whole world, didn't just change it went crazy, and it has been beautiful. I had my beautiful little boy on Thanksgiving morning. After 24 hours in labor becoming exhausted needing an epidural my little love came into this world. He was aware and awake from the first moment. Born with inquisitive blue eyes and a hand placed next to his chin like he was already contemplating the world. I will always remember that moment when they moved him to the little bassinet, I watched my husband with tears in his eyes, comfort our son and comfort me. There are very few moments in life when you feel like everything goes quite and still. This is one of those precious times.
With everything to get used in the first week, lack of sleep, worrying about this new little life, trying to heal from delivery. I started to notice something odd. My husband was able to get that first week off so we could all get used to each other. I would have hours in the day where I would look at my son and just feel..nothing. I knew I was responsible for him needed to take care of him, but other then that I didn't feel that love I new came with motherhood. I was panicky all the time I worried that if I slept at all something would happen to the baby. That my little love would just disappear. Even while I had those thoughts I knew it was irrational, but these worries kept coming to my head. I worried that my husband would go back to work and not come home. That he felt resentment because we were having a baby so early in our marriage. Which was unfounded my husband is wonderful. He cleaned the house and did the dishes everyday. He helped me to remember to take my medicine, and would hold me till I fell asleep to help me finally rest. He would watch baby and share with the diaper changing. To this day my amazing husband helps me do clothes, dishes, or a quick clean up around the house.
Finally, my two week checkup after delivery came and my husband told me I needed to share these feelings with my Midwife. He was open about how concerned he was especially since the last few days before the appointment I would just be uncontrollably sad and cry for a few hours. I was miserable and he knew I needed help. We went to the appointment and on the way to the doctors office it started happening again, the uncontrollable sadness and crying. I just cried the whole drive and while sitting in the doctors office's waiting room. The nurses noticed and so they kindly told me to go ahead back to wait in a room. They were so kind and understanding. My husband held me close and our little son slept in his carseat. They immediately had one of the midwives come in and she talked to me about what was going on. They had me take a questionnaire to help see how I was doing. It was such a relief to not feel judged and to be able to talk to some one. It was most comforting to know that there was help. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. They gave me a list of support groups and phone numbers I could call for therapists locally that I could go to. The midwife helped me find medications that would help with the depression and anxiety that I would still be able to breast feed on. The midwife also was supportive that if breastfeeding my little one was too overwhelming I should just stop. Even though I knew it was the best thing for my son it was more important for me to be able to take care of his needs with out constantly feeling the huge weight of needing to feed him every few hours. She held my hand and told me that no matter what we were going to figure this out so I could enjoy being a mom and do what was best for my baby.
I knew that I may have post-partum depression, because of my previous diagnosis of major depression disorder. I had talked to my midwife a month before delivery about what I could do if I did end up having it. I wanted to be able to breast feed and not have any medications affect my little son. They told me I may need to change my medication to a higher dose after delivery, because of the loss of hormones after delivery. That it was not uncommon for women to be affected by depression after delivery. They were open to helping me while trying to make sure I could raise my baby the way I felt most comfortable with. One of the best pieces of advice I got was that I need to take care of myself first and then baby. Make sure I was meeting babies needs so that he is healthy, but I have to take care of myself.
After two months post-partum, of adjusting my medications talking to other moms who also had post-partum depression I felt at peace. I was finally able to be at home and clean the house. I finally didn't have thoughts in the back of my mind that constantly said I wasn't a good enough mom. I was able to be me and enjoy my family. I still have a few days during the month where I feel anxiety. I get panic attacks and I can't focus, I get shaky, my thoughts are all clouded, I feel constantly on guard. Because of all the support from my husband and midwife I am able to think in those moments, "It's okay this is just your mind take a breath and just be still for a little."
If you have or are going to have a baby my advice is to have an open dialogue with your doctor about post-partum depression. What you can do to help deal with the hormonal change after delivery, and make sure you know what signs to look for. What local support there is, and what you would be willing to do if you need to take medication. Be open with your spouse, know that if he makes a comment about how you seem sad or despondent, that is one of the ways they show you they care. Get help as soon as possible even if you aren't sure you maybe having symptoms of post-partum depression. This part of your life is a wonderful time. It's a time of growth and change. It's a time of smiles, drool, and poopy diapers. It is beautiful you can and should be able to enjoy it. There is help and you can be the mom you always hoped you would be.
Kiss that baby, hug your husband, don't worry about the dishes in the sink, or the laundry. It's time to take care of yourself.
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