The Whisper of Hope

Trigger warning: A sensitive story about a miscarriage is spoken of in this blog post.

            We are visiting family for Christmas. My hubby comes from a big family of ten children. The youngest sibling is 22 now, so it’s a ton of fun with so many of the older siblings having kids around Lil G’s age. My hubby’s family has a tradition where each sibling only gives to one other sibling for Christmas. This year we are giving to a sibling who lives near their hometown. So we decided to trek up to Idaho for Christmas. 

            As I look out the window at the white landscape, and frosted windows I had a thought come to me of our last Christmas. It was also spent with another sibling, and their family. Before we talk about Christmas 2015 I want to go back a little in the time line. My hubby and I had decided, before we went to Taiwan that year, that we would try and start having our second babe. After a few months there was no progress. A combination of low body weight due to stress I was experiencing from finishing up my Associates, and still nursing Lil G at night time, had made it difficult for me to get pregnant. After finishing up my Associates at the end of April we tried changing my diet to help with my low weight. I increased the healthy fats by eating more avocados, nuts, and other dietary changes. I stopped nursing my son, which was not an easy thing. Imagine a few days of blood curdling screams and sobs when I wouldn’t nurse him to bed at night, finally calming down to a few days of snuggles and tears, and then finally just snuggles but only letting mommy put him to bed. With all these slow changes we still had not improved our success of getting pregnant.

            The hardest time came in October. I was getting more stressed as each consecutive pregnancy test showed negative. I was sad, confused, and hurt. Especially when family or friends would ask when we would have our second babe. It had seemed like it would be easy since we got pregnant with Lil G so fast. I wasn’t ready for the questions, and I was so frustrated I often wanted to shout, “We’re trying! It’s not some magic trick!”

            October of 2015 we were getting ready to go out to a Giant Pumpkin weighing contest. Seriously they are 300 lbs-1ton pumpkins being competitively weighed. The last few days I had been feeling crampy, bloated, and emotional. All of which were very good signs I might be pregnant. I hadn’t wanted to take a pregnancy test this month, because I didn’t want to jinx my chances. That morning as we were getting ready to go I had felt even more cramps. I was about to leave when I felt some pressure, and cramping. I decided to go to the bathroom, when I got up to wash my hands I saw it. A little fetus, barely developed, but still obviously there, I stood there in shock. It wasn’t the panic of seeing something like that. It was the fact that I was seeing the potential of what….I had waited so long to be growing in my womb. I cried as I stood there in shock. My potential babe..I didn’t know what to do. 
           There aren’t any classes or suggestions about how to handle that kind of situation that you hear growing up. It's not mentioned much in health classes, or from your female family members. No body tells you what your heart, and body will then feel. No body tells you much about miscarriages. It’s one of those things whispered between women. Acknowledged and mentioned when talking about getting pregnant. Some women will say, “well there is always next time.” Or something to the effect of, “your little one is in heaven now, and you’ll see them again some day.” All of which you acknowledge with a small smile and a thanks, because there isn’t much more to say. That’s also one way to tell that they haven’t had a miscarriage before.
         A miscarriage at any stage is hard on the body. The longer you’re pregnant the harder it is. I had only been pregnant for most likely a month, and a few weeks. I was able to pass the entire baby with out needing extra help through medication, which is something else they don’t tell you you would need to do if you do have a miscarriage. I didn’t even know about needing any kind of medication until I went to an appointment with my midwife a few months later. I didn’t bleed horribly. It was more like a heavy period after I passed the fetus. But your body was holding a baby, and the hormones in your body were also taking care of a baby. So then you start feeling the loss of all those hormones.

As I stared at that little potential of life that had now left me, I could feel it, the change in hormones in my body. The flush of hormones, like the feeling you get just after you deliver a normal term baby. It’s like when you feel the blood rush from your head after being upside down, or when your face goes white and you feel flushed from something scary. I was surprised that my body responded in such a way. I didn’t think my body would do anything if I miscarried early on in a pregnancy besides cramping, and maybe some spotting. The rush of hormones made it even more saddening, because it made it even more personal. It was a feeling I associated with delivering my babies….not when loosing one. It also made it undeniable. I had lost a baby, and it wasn’t just a big clump of tissue.  I then flushed the toilet, and sat on the floor of our bathroom letting the tears roll down my cheeks.

As I sat there trying to sort my feelings out my husband opened the bathroom door. He took one look at me, and just pulled me into his arms. After a little he asked what was wrong. I told him what had just happened. He let go of a deep sigh and just quietly said, “I am sorry sweetheart.” He held me for a little longer asked, what I had done with it, and nodded his understanding when I told him I had just flushed it. I didn’t know what else to do. He then asked if I needed a minute, and I said I did. He went back out to play with our son while I stayed in the bathroom to collect my self. Then when I came out he said, “Okay, ready to go?” I had completely forgot about the Giant Pumpkins. My world was a little different now, and that seemed like such a small priority. I didn’t want to go outside, and act like my day was fine. I was a little hurt that that was what he asked me, but I just nodded yes. That was my first indicator that people…people just wouldn’t get it. If you look at some of the pictures from that day you can tell something wasn’t quite right. I look distracted, even when I am smiling. Not a lot of the smiles reach my eyes, but I kept going. We went to the giant pumpkin weighing contest, and I played with my son, and I kept going.

Later, I talked to a friend who also had a miscarriage when they were getting pregnant with their first child. She had been further along then I was, but when I told her about it you could tell she understood. She didn’t offer pity just a simple, “I am sorry.” And we both sat in silence for a little. Then we both discussed the response we got from others we had told, and realized that in our culture there isn’t much discussion about how to deal with, or comfort some one who had had a miscarriage.

A month later I was invited to a friends baby shower. I wanted to go, but didn’t at the same time. It still hurt that so many of my friends were announcing their pregnancies, or how close they were to their due dates and I….wasn’t. I went any ways to the baby shower. Once again you can see in some of the pictures that it was tough for me. Nobody there new I had been trying to get pregnant for so long, or that I had had a miscarriage. It’s not something you talk so openly about. Yet, when I saw my friends swollen belly, and bright smile, and I was able to place my hand on her belly to feel that little life moving. It both hurt, and helped me. I knew there was always a possibility that we would just have to wait longer, and that some day we would have our own little miracle. I realized I needed to wait so I could heal my heart a little more from this miscarriage. That night my hubby and I decided to hold off on trying to get pregnant. We decided that we would wait till the next spring to start trying again.

The holidays commenced. We celebrated my Lil G’s birthday as well, and for Christmas we left to go celebrate with the sibling we had been assigned for that year. It was lots of fun. We went ice-skating outdoors at night, saw the new Star Wars movie for the second time, and played with the kiddos in the snow. But I had started to feel cramping again, and new it was about time to start my period. I was cramping so bad that I had to lay down at one point, and curl up around a heading pad. I didn’t think much of it, because I get cramps like that some times, and we weren’t trying to get pregnant any more. We went home after Christmas celebrated the new year at our house, and then around Martin Luther King day we went back up to Idaho. I still hadn’t gotten my period.
 I often over pack on clothes when we take these extended weekends, but I also always forget one thing. This time it was more diapers. Due to some of the days fun I ended up not getting diapers until nine o'clock at night. I decided on a whim to try a pregnancy test thinking that I might as well just see. I hid the test in my bag at the bottom when I went into the house with the diapers. I didn't want anyone else to know, especially my hubby. If it was negative I would be fine. I knew I could just brush it off, but I couldn't handle seeing that hope in my hubby's eyes, and then him trying to brush it off too.  I snuck into the bathroom later that night, and took the test. As I sat on my in-laws bathroom floor I took some deep breaths, and I just listened to the chaos of all the cousins pretending to be asleep upstairs so they wouldn't get in trouble. I felt so blessed to have such a wonderful family to raise my kids with. After a few minutes I looked at the test, and this time…this time, I finally got to see that positive test result I had waited so long for. I still waited a few more weeks to tell my hubby, I was nervous about loosing this little hope too. Around the first week of February I told my hubby the news.

As I sit here looking at my now three-month-old little boy I think of everything that I went through to bring this beautiful life here. He is a very smiley, giggly, wiggly thing. So full of life, and I am glad that for whatever reason, he made it to my arms. I know not every woman has such a good turn out as I did. Some wait years, and still do not get to see that positive test result. Some become mother’s to babes whose own mother’s couldn’t take care of them. However you become a mother, I truly feel that that little life is the greatest hope for good in the world, and you as a mother the greatest influence for change. But for now I just wanted to add my simple,” I am sorry,” and a moment of silence, and a comforting shoulder. I don’t understand what it’s like for every story, or every kind of miscarriage. But I can say that I empathize, and it’s okay to mourn the, “could have beens”. Take time to heal, and know that one day, it will be okay to hope again.

Have any of you felt that the discussions for preparing women about what happens to a women when she miscarries is terribly taboo? How do you think society should handle this differently, or even how it should be taught in our own homes differently? Please be respectful of others experiences if you would like to share an opinion.

Stinky Tofu and Swirling Cars

Well blogger sphere it has been…a year and a half since we last talked. I wanted to share our trip to Taiwan to help show that even with MDD or Major Anxiety Disorder, you can achieve so much with the right methods of help that work for you. It was one of the biggest accomplishments of my life to go over seas, and be submerged in a culture that I didn't have a lot of experience with.

It wasn’t easy though. I knew that at some point I most likely would have a panic attack especially with jet lag, and constantly touring the city (even with a few hours of a break in the hottest parts of the day). So I told Mr.B (which is what I will call my hubby from now on) that if he notices the signs before I do that we needed a plan.

The plan was that no matter where we were we would stop, go some where with air conditioning, get something to cool us off, and let me sit to get myself together enough so we could get back to our hotel. Once at the hotel I would take a little more of my medicine, take a hot shower to relax my muscles, let our little one watch a show, and then I would nap.

We were at about our second to last night in Taiwan when it happened. We had just headed back into the city after taking a day trip out to the coast. I was really tired, and our cabby who was helping us tour around the coast, said we could stop and have some lunch…..but then never stopped. I was really hungry, and it was getting late by the time we got back to our hotel in Taipei. We asked the receptionist if there was anywhere to eat near by, and he said there was a street market close. After following his directions that lead us to a street market half a mile away from our hotel we ended up at the night market. And you would never believe what triggered the panic attack. It’s always a combination, but what finally really made it hit was….STINKY TOFU. I am not even kidding. We were walking down the street trying to find something edible in a sketch night market late at night. There were tons of people, and I was overwhelmed. We came to a huge round about as I watched the mopeds and cars zoom in a dizzying swirl of color while we waited for the signal to cross the street to the night market, I started to feel my muscles get tense. My mind felt like it was going in a smearing pattern like the lights of the cars passing by us. To many thoughts going very fast through my mind that even if I wanted to pick just one to focus on it seemed to go by too fast to even capture it. And then I smelled the stinky tofu.

Now most people in Taiwan like this stuff, but it honestly smelled like sewer and diapers. And when that smell hit my nose, my stomach just dropped. My husband looked at me and could see my face go slack and white. My eyes glazed over a little as I processed everything around. Tons of people in a hot humid environment, and stinky tofu. I was hungry and tired, and this hypnotic movement of the cars in front of me seemed to set my thoughts spinning.

My husband took our son, who by this time had fallen asleep in his stroller, and I closer to some shops away from it all. Then he told me to look at him, and breath slowly.  He asked if I felt I had the energy to keep looking for a place to eat, and I just shook my head looking at him with tears slowly going down my cheeks. I was sad, even though I knew I would get a panic attack at some point, I was really having one even though I had been trying to take steps to avoid it. He walked me over to the local 7eleven(which are everywhere and a blessing), grabbed some snacks and some drinks, and then we headed back to our hotel. He took care of our little one while I took my shower, and set our little one up with a show. While I laid there after my shower on the cool sheets I felt as limp as our humidity drenched clothes. My husband told me to just stay in the hotel room with our little one, and he would go find us dinner. He came back a half hour later. There had been a little restaurant a block away in the opposite direction. Those were honestly the best dumplings I had ever had.

We aren’t invincible. Even with therapy, medication, and a plan of action. I still had a panic attack. Compacted with everything going on that day it was one of the biggest ones I had had in a long time. Thank fully, I did have a plan. I had talked it over with my husband, and Mr.B being the wonderful man he is, took action. I am always grateful for that.Over the next year and a half I was able to cross off more items on my bucket list. I miss Taiwan. I miss the food, the kindness of the people, the beauty of the culture, and who I became because of the opportunity to see a world outside of America.

My advice reader? Do the same. Find an item on your list. Break it down to manageable steps. Then work toward achieving it. Most importantly, make manageable steps to help you wherever you are to work through what ever hurdles you might face, emotionally/mentally. It’s worth it. 

Day 1 Continued

We woke up in our awesome hotel room, and headed down to breakfast. Which wouldn’t be worth posting accept my hubby was thrilled that the glasses they used were actually chemistry lab beakers. He took pics, and when he got home showed all his science buddies who also got a good chuckle out of it.

Breakfast is different in Taiwan, because it’s mostly savory foods not sweet. One of my hubby’s friends explained that they believe the body is a machine, and if you want that machine to work well in the mornings then you get it warmed up you don’t eat cold things. Which I liked the idea of, especially when it came to eating yummy pot stickers, and steamed boa buns for breakfast. There bread is steamed not baked so it’s crazy soft, and yummy.

            After breakfast we headed out for the day. We walked around the area we were staying, and found an old Buddhist temple site that the Japanese had built while they occupied Taiwan during WWII. We also saw a beautiful theater that has been kept up that also was built during the same time. We then met one of my hubby’s friends, and we headed to Taipei 101. It used to be the tallest building in the world before the world Trade Towers were built in New York. It is still one of the tallest buildings in the world to this day, just not THE tallest. It has all this architecture stuff about it which you can see here…We were able to go to the top to the viewing deck, and see for miles. It was awesome to see almost every area my husband, and lived in when he first was in Taiwan. We then went to a lower deck which had an art exhibit of sculptures done in different colors of coral, and jade. If you don’t mind spending a few million, or trying to get it through the mail then these beautiful sculptures are for sale…

            A quick word about tourism in Taiwan, the Taiwanese are a modest people and also reserved. In the last three years they have finally opened their boarders to China, which is a little touchy for most Taiwanese to talk about. You could definitely tell the difference between the Taiwanese, and the Chinese. Both are lovely people, but the stereotype that Asian people love little white babies was very obvious with the Chinese tourists. They would try and pick little buddy up, or even take him from our arms. They would see him and exclaim loudly about how cute he was, and try to sneak pictures with him in it. We were in line to get in the elevator back down to the main floors, which is like waiting in line at an amusement park with how long you have to wait, and some man with a Chinese touring group was filming little buddy a few feet away the whole time he waited to get to the elevator. We even checked if that was what he was really doing by trying to hide little buddy behind us for a little, and the man stopped out side of the line, and followed us with his camera to make sure he got little buddy on film. Now for what purpose I have no idea, but even the Taiwanese people were frowning at the guy, and trying to tell him to put away the camera. So yes, the stereotypes are true, and just be a little wary when you go to foreign countries with blue-eyed blonde babies. I was never actually worried anything would happen; Still I kept a close eye on little buddy.

            Even if you have that experience remember that not EVERYONE is like that. We also had an fun time with a few high school girls who were visiting the same hotel as us a few days after, and little buddy loved all the attention. Most of the time people were polite, and would talk to us a little about our cute boy. When they wanted pictures we didn’t really mind. It was just the experiences we had where they had no boundaries that REALLY bugged us.

To Continue:

            Then we left Taipei 101, and walked around Taipei to a popular beef noodle place, which was really good. I couldn’t finish it so they put it in a plastic bag and tied it closed! Clever! We then headed to a shaved ice place it was delicious. The shaved ice is like snowflakes melting on your tongue. They also flavor the ice, and give you real fruit, and sherbet. So it wasn’t overly syrupy sweet, and perfectly refreshing. Then we went to The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints temple, and visitors center. We were able to relax, and let little buddy run around. This also was the time we found out that little buddy loved to play photographer, and for the most of the trip if we let him have the camera he was happy. Even held the camera in front of his face like he was taking pictures.

            We headed back to the Hotel, and said good bye to two wonderful people. John is the name of my hubby’s friend who took us on our journey through the city. He also brought a friend who new really good English so we were able to communicate really well. They were wonderful! John kept holding the stroller when we didn’t use it for little buddy, and answered all my questions that hopefully didn’t annoy him.

            It was perfect to have a hotel so centrally located, because then we were able to go back to it in the afternoon to rest from the heat. Oh the heat. Here is my advice for dealing with heat. First, we left Utah which was in the mid 60’s Fahrenheit and chilly. Arrived in Taiwan, which was in the upper 80’s Fahrenheit plus 100% humidity. We always carried two types of drinks with us: caffeine and an energy drink called Supow. Plus we would get bottled water every few hours. You just have to embrace it, or really let the water blanket of hot air embrace you. I would do my hair, and make-up with the thought that by lunch time my hair would be a frizzled mess, and I would have to wipe my face about a hundred times from the pool of humidity. So just go with it. You’re on an adventure. Keep hydrated, and get as much rest when you can in the air conditioning.

            Later that night we met another friend of my hubby’s named Mao. He was a ton of fun. He is a professional musician who is studying music composition for his masters. He reminds me of a lot of the theater kids in high school. He has lots of personality, honest, kind, and fun to be around. Added bonus, he knew my hubby before I met him, so he had some epic stories about how silly my hubby can be. They lived together for a few months; I think it helped us bond when we could commiserate about life living with my hubby. Mao met us at the National Concert Hall were he was going to be doing a concert that night. Which is right next to the Chiang Kia-Shek Memorial building. Apparently Chiang Kia-Shek helped shape important parts of Taiwanese politics, and bring about better trade. I couldn’t really understand ‘cause we had to race through the building reading the plaques really fast so we wouldn’t miss the taking down of the flag, which was really cool with the sunset going down at the same time.

            Then we headed back to the hotel. It was crazy how much we fit into each day, but I think it helped with the jet lag.

Here are the pics: