It was a few Sundays
ago. It was beautiful weather outside
and I had been having a really good day. I felt like something was slightly off
center, but I tried to ignore it.
Mistake number uno: Never try to,” just ignore it.”
Progressively through out the day I noticed I became withdrawn. At first I was
able to be the first to say hello or offer a smile to people passing by. Then I
noticed that I was saying those things in my head, “hello how are you?” or even
a “thanks” to the person helping me with something. The words were not coming
out of my mouth. I started to wonder why I wasn’t responding to people and just
sort of blank faced all those who looked at me. When it really mattered I could
smile and make conversation. But even then my husband pointed out that I didn’t
seem like myself.
Mistake number dose: I kept putting off eating anything. I
felt I was to busy and was rushing to get things together so we would be on
time to church. I didn’t bring a snack like I normally try to do. Finally when
I came home I still put off eating, because baby needed to be put down for his
nap, and daddy is still not a put baby to sleep option for baby. Daddy is his
play buddy so I had to do it if I wanted to make sure he actually took a nap.
Mistake number tres: I did not listen to my husband when he
offered help. I seem to get even more stubborn when my depression comes back. I
have this negative dialogue gong on in my head, but I can’t make it clear that
I want help. So I just grump about thinking, “why can’t you just see that I
need help with such and such. Get up and recognize I need you. Why should I
have to tell you every damn time?”
After all that it took me finally sitting down on the couch
exhausted and feeling completely emotionally numb to realize that I was having
an episode.
Curse my stubborn self
