Partner

  I was looking at my partner last night as we were falling asleep. That time of night is one that I hold very special. I love being able to look at the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life with. I try to memories the crinkle marks around his eyes and the shape of his lips. I love reliving the moments in my head that made his eyes light up and the laugh rumble deep in his chest. I love knowing that I am sharing those moments with him. Those moments and reliving them are my treasures.

 I am blessed to be with some one who I know feels as awed by the blessing of finding some one who loves them. It's not the hollywood romance drama building to a climax where they may or may not end up together. It's the real life love that is much deeper and meaningful. It's the love where you do something stupid they see it and they just chuckle with you about it. It's the love when you don't feel good, and your grumpy they can be straight forward about how you are acting. They feel like you love and respect them enough to listen when they try to help you adjust your attitude. They know you will do the same for them.
 
For me it was difficult to be open to some one about my depression and anxiety. My partner is a wonderful man, but I didn't know how he would act towards me once I told him. I was worried he would treat it like something you could ignore and it would go away. I was worried he would freak out and not want to date me because he didn't want to deal with some one who had depression. We dated for a long time and I think part of that helped him see what it was like for me when my medication wouldn't work or I was having a panic attack. I think that helped our relationship a lot. I was able to see how he would handle those moments with me and I was able to learn to trust him. We are very open about how we feel and what we think. It was really helpful to be so open because I knew he didn't know how to help and it was something we had to learn together.
 
  As we lay in bed about to fall asleep I began thinking about everything we have gone through and will go through with my depression. Should I take medication while pregnant? After birth? Is my medication really helping? How are my panic attacks doing? I realized that having my partner made it a little easier for me. I learned I wasn't alone and I tried to make sure not to shut him out of how I was feeling and coping. I also realized that it was important to know how he felt. How he was coping. I often felt that it would be good for him to have some one to talk with. He needed a support group just like I needed mine, because when you have depression you aren't the only one being affected by it. Which for a lot of people with depression worrying about how it will hurt the ones they love is the main reason they shut people out. I didn't want to shut him out of my life fearing I would make him sad.
 
  For my husband I decided to look up articles and blogs about the partners point of view who doesn't have depression. I talked to some married friends who deal with Panic disorders/ ADHD/ Bi-polar, and asked them about their husbands. I started to encourage my partner to make friends with them. He found some comfort in learning he wasn't alone.
 
  Today, I am grateful for the relationship we have, because of what we have learned together. Still some times in those moments before bed I think in my heart. " I know that the dishes aren't done, and the house is a mess. I know that I slept in most of the day. I know I ignored the world today. But I promise never to neglect you. I promise I will try after my panic attacks. After my muscles relax my, mind is finally clear, and I don't have to lay still and let the feelings wash over me I promise to hug you, hold you, and give you the same comfort you give me. I promise to let you know that it isn't you triggering things or making it worse. You always, always, make it easier. I promise to make the times that I am doing good, that seem to last weeks or months, seem to be eternity filled with good memories. I promise to listen to your concerns with an open mind and heart. I promise this, because I love you. And I know you promise this to me too." I hope all of you can find some one who you can be so open with. I hope you find people to surround you who see you as the hero you are for dealing with what ever mental hardships you face. I hope you feel loved.

Here is an article I found today that I thought was very eye opening for your partnership:
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/literally-darling/loving-someone-with-depression_b_4002503.html?ref=topbar

Strength

The thing is some times the most productive for me is getting up.
 Some times I have a checklist that helps me know how well I am doing with my depression.

It goes a little like this:
1. Eat breakfast before 10 a.m.
2. brush my teeth take a shower
3. Do laundry or dishes
4. Pick up around the house
5. Pay some bills or go out and get errands done

   If I can do more then that list I know I am having a really good day. I remember when I first learned I had severe depression and anxiety. I felt this weight lift off my shoulders. I used to see all of my friends and siblings accomplishing amazing things. They would always tell me "Just put your mind to it and work at it. Then sooner or later you can figure out how to get what you want." So I would try that method, but some how I would always feel like I couldn't do it. I wanted to accomplish so much. I wrote goals for my self and tried to figure out the steps on how to get them accomplished. Then I would try and apply myself. It would work for a little, but then something would happen where I just couldn't anymore. My brain felt like it was sluggish and I couldn't motivate myself to keep going keep trying. When I finally had one of the worst breakdowns of my life I thankfully had a friend who could see that something was wrong. She confronted me and told me she had been noticing it for awhile. I had a support system that helped me understand that it wasn't normal to be so tired all the time. It was not normal to want to get out of bed and just not be able to convince myself to move.

  When I started medication, therapy, and exercising I felt a freedom. I realized that it's actually normal to have more happy days than bad. It was normal to be able to set goals and accomplish them, something I had wanted to be able to do for so long. Those things were normal, and what I had thought was my normal, wasn't healthy. For a while when I had bad days I would get worried that it would stay for weeks or months, but they didn't. When those times did come where I was hitting my lows I would write down how I was feeling and try and figure out why I was feeling that way. I would see if I could change my thoughts to more positive thoughts. When I couldn't do that anymore I realized I needed to change my medications and find new coping methods.

  Everyday I have to see where I am at with my feelings. I have to apply my coping techniques everyday. There is no magic pill or magic words that help depression go away. There is relief from the deeper darker parts of depression though. The suicidal thoughts, the anger, the frustration, the fear and panic, the self doubt. These things do not have to be apart of your daily life. It will be something you have to admit to yourself, seek help for, and learn to cope with everyday. But you aren't weak, and the depression doesn't have to control you.

  This is one of my favorite poems that helps to remind me that I am not powerless:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

William Ernest Henley