6 Months old

  My little guy is a ball of chatty, rolly, squiggly energy. It makes me smile and feel exhausted all at the same time. He gets into things I wish he didn't, gets drool over everything, and tries to chew on anything with in reach. It is incredible to see his personality blossom. He has a little attitude already and a smile that makes my heart melt. He chats at four in the morning laughing his victory at being awake. When I walk into his room exhausted to try and tuck him back into his blankets he squiggles around with a hug smile on his face. It's difficult to be stern with some one who looks at you with such glee, even at four in the morning.

  As I watch this little one play a thought comes to my mind some days. I don't want my babies to have to learn how to live with Major Depression Disorder. I worry that they will grow up and there will come a time when they too will be hit with the hurtles that come with MDD. I was diagnosed with depression young, around eight years old, but my family decided that I shouldn't go on any medication hoping I would grow out of it. Life had other plans.
 
  I was dealt some intense traumas in my life. An interesting childhood loosing friends in high school from suicide, a drunk driver, car accidents, and so much more. Finally, in my freshman year of high school, the beginning of my deepest down ward spiral. I had been waiting outside of my high school for my mom to come and drop off some supplies for an after school activity. As I waited I saw a friends family member get hit by a car. I can still replay every moment over in my head. I watched as the EMT's tried to resuscitate him. They worked on him for a long time. I remember at one point it looked like he was finally breathing on his own. Later that evening I found out that he had died at the scene. Not long after things started to spiral down. My grades went down I stopped doing after school activities I turned down some amazing scholastic opportunities, and finally I just started staying home cutting myself off from people. It wasn't until my early twenties that I was finally diagnosed. These circumstances are unusual. Most people will not have the same experiences I did culminating in such traumatic events. The trick is my depression is a genetic issue passed down through the generations of my family. So combining that with all these traumas, and not knowing how they could affect me, my brain couldn't cope with it.

  Recognizing what lead to my depression has been a long emotional journey. When those moments come of worrying that one day he to may have depression I look at my little baby, and I can be reassured. Yes, my children may or may not have the genetics to have depression, but I know now how to help them. Most likely they will not have it turn into MDD. Most likely they will not have so many traumas in their lives, but if they do I know the signs. They won't have to feel alone and misunderstood. The emotionless days that can stretch on for weeks to months to years. Where you say mean things that hurt people that you don't realize it until you replay the events over and over again in your head. Or wanting to do so many things, achieve so much, and not being able to overcome any of the challenges you face to make those dreams happen. These sad times will not be something they go through alone if they do have depression.

  If you have over come or found help for your depression you are now a helpful support in some ones life. It's a process, and they have to come to the realization them selves. But you can help them when the time comes. I look at my baby and have peace brought to my heart. They will have much more help and guidance. Hopefully they will not suffer from the stigma and preconceptions that I faced which made me feel ashamed at being diagnosed with MDD. Now after getting help I know how amazing life is and what incredible things I can accomplish. Trying to get over the shame I felt at being diagnosed with MDD was a really big hurtle for me. Once I did I was able to take the steps I needed to to really start applying what my therapists where trying to teach me. For any one you know you can have the same peace knowing you can be the help for those you love, but remember you have to take care of yourself.