My first real love has the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. They are eyes so beautiful all the poems about sapphire eyes or ocean blue eyes flash in my mind when I look at him. His perfectly arched dark eyebrows would make any girl jealous, and contrast perfectly. It still takes my breath away....and so forth and so on.
I won't make you gag or giggle with too much detail, but this man still makes me feel like I am the most precious thing in the world to him. I was always determined to not let my happiness be contingent on another person. But that is an interesting thing about love. It's not that your happiness is dependent on your partners happiness it's just that when your partner isn't happy your bummed too. When the person, who is your best friend and companion, has something that you can't fix that they are going through you feel a little sad too. So you learn to support them through it. You learn what will bring little smiles to their lips, and what will help them know you are there if they need you. When I understood that about love it made life a lot easier. When I explained this new insight about love to my husband he understood that that was all I needed when I was feeling my depression. I just needed some who was there when I new something was wrong, but couldn't find a way out of my sadness. Some one who I knew loved me and would help to keep moving on while I tried to figure things out instead of falling into a stalemate in my life.
A lot of people told us when we were first getting married that you fall more in love with your partner the harder you work at your marriage, and the longer you are married. I saw the truth in that statement. I would nod my head hoping it was going to be true for my husband and I. I have been married almost two years, and I know for sure that I love my husband more now then I did when we were first married. I am also more comfortable with him. Now when I feel a panic attack rising or my depression starting to seep into my mind I am not ashamed. Because this man has seen me through some really difficult times, and still calls me his pretty lady. Still looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and holds me close. Looks at my red hair, brushing it aside with a look that makes me blush, and grins a wicked grin when he knows I am getting sassy. He is the love of my life, and I look forward to falling even more in love with him.
My second true love was a surprise to me. Mostly because of how much he has changed my life, and I do not mind at all. For instance do you hear that? The sound of maniacal laughter in a baby pitched voice? That is the sound of the next few years worth of sleep being cut shorter and shorter. The slap, slap, swish, swish of his hands and knees moving around the house. It warns me that I will not be able to go to the bathroom alone for a long, long time. And when those baby blues look at me over his shoulder, as he pauses when he is trying to crawl out of my eye sight, all I can do is smile.
I was going to study anthropology at the University of Jerusalem. I was going to serve in the Peace corp. I was going to crazy, hot, vacation romances in foreign lands. Honestly! That was the plan and I had it all worked out. I even knew a professor at the university in Jerusalem, and had a vacatoin set up with some very dear friends. I was going to meet up with them in Istanbul with in a year after I returned from being on a service mission for my church. Unlike most twenty something year olds I actually had a plan, and just needed to get the money together.
Now, I look into those blue eyes that remind me of the bahama blue ocean pictures you see in all the tourists ads, knowing I will most likely never get to go, and I don't mind. I was hoping I wouldn't regret my decision to be married at twenty-three, and missing out on all those plans I had to cancel. Some times in my dreams I am wandering through the morning market in Istanbul, and then I realize that baby G is crying in the next room needing my comfort and milk. In those sleep deprived moments I still don't mind. I am incredibly happy, tired, but happy. I love being a mom. I love seeing him gain more confidence and independence. I love seeing his strawberry-blonde hair getting longer and longer. His blue eyes are my Greek coastline. His golden hair is my sunflower fields in Tuscany. His toothy smile is my White Cliffs of Dover. I may still have some of my travel adventures one day, but I am on the greatest adventure I never knew existed. The adventure of motherhood.
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