Strength

The thing is some times the most productive for me is getting up.
 Some times I have a checklist that helps me know how well I am doing with my depression.

It goes a little like this:
1. Eat breakfast before 10 a.m.
2. brush my teeth take a shower
3. Do laundry or dishes
4. Pick up around the house
5. Pay some bills or go out and get errands done

   If I can do more then that list I know I am having a really good day. I remember when I first learned I had severe depression and anxiety. I felt this weight lift off my shoulders. I used to see all of my friends and siblings accomplishing amazing things. They would always tell me "Just put your mind to it and work at it. Then sooner or later you can figure out how to get what you want." So I would try that method, but some how I would always feel like I couldn't do it. I wanted to accomplish so much. I wrote goals for my self and tried to figure out the steps on how to get them accomplished. Then I would try and apply myself. It would work for a little, but then something would happen where I just couldn't anymore. My brain felt like it was sluggish and I couldn't motivate myself to keep going keep trying. When I finally had one of the worst breakdowns of my life I thankfully had a friend who could see that something was wrong. She confronted me and told me she had been noticing it for awhile. I had a support system that helped me understand that it wasn't normal to be so tired all the time. It was not normal to want to get out of bed and just not be able to convince myself to move.

  When I started medication, therapy, and exercising I felt a freedom. I realized that it's actually normal to have more happy days than bad. It was normal to be able to set goals and accomplish them, something I had wanted to be able to do for so long. Those things were normal, and what I had thought was my normal, wasn't healthy. For a while when I had bad days I would get worried that it would stay for weeks or months, but they didn't. When those times did come where I was hitting my lows I would write down how I was feeling and try and figure out why I was feeling that way. I would see if I could change my thoughts to more positive thoughts. When I couldn't do that anymore I realized I needed to change my medications and find new coping methods.

  Everyday I have to see where I am at with my feelings. I have to apply my coping techniques everyday. There is no magic pill or magic words that help depression go away. There is relief from the deeper darker parts of depression though. The suicidal thoughts, the anger, the frustration, the fear and panic, the self doubt. These things do not have to be apart of your daily life. It will be something you have to admit to yourself, seek help for, and learn to cope with everyday. But you aren't weak, and the depression doesn't have to control you.

  This is one of my favorite poems that helps to remind me that I am not powerless:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

William Ernest Henley